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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


“Is this your resume?”


“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”


“Welcome to UPS!”


[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.


“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain


When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.


Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.


Me: *crawls in window*

Him: What are you doing?!

Me: You’re my boyfriend now?

Him: I’m calling the cops

Me: But you retweeted me??


My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.