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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.


[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening


“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.


Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.


Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses


I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”


It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready


I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose


[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore