[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
You Might Also Like
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Hello Twits.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!