like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
You Might Also Like
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Terribly Tuesday.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism