What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?