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For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once


it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room


Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.


Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.


Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary


Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.


Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”


I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.