Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Well, that didn’t work.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”