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@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

@halloweenbears

it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room

@briangaar

Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@AntonioFrench

Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.