Ugh but profoundly
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
a lot to unpack here
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy