Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them