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@UtilityLimb

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@_davidlucas_

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

@HatfieldAnne

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

@Peauxtassium

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@KeetPotato

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@Leave_the_candy

i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man