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[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up


I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.


36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.


Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.


[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.


Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear


uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene