[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.
Someone greased my downward spiral.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“How’s your day going?”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene