Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Botany good plants lately?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]