I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.