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@CulturedRuffian

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

@WilliamAder

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@Home_Halfway

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997