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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave


If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.


-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.


Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull


“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys


[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.


Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you


Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997