You Might Also Like

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@KevinFarzad

ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.

@SarahR_82

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

@niccolethurman

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@lisaxy424

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

@freypalm

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

@ImABaconDonut

One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.

@ThaJawn

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me and 20 koalas: *blank stare

@markydoodoo

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?