My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…