I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.
About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me and 20 koalas: *blank stare
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?