*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Pandas 🐼🖤
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”