Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*muttered from inside a bear*
“Go hiking,” they said.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Kids: Stay in school.
When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
Her: I LOVE your beard!
Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!
Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt