If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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BOSS: Any special skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
ME: That means words
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.