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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.


Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal


me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then


Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.


Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.


COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close


ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there


If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.


A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”