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@ericONEderful

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@thepunningman

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

@BassoonJokes

The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.