@NoChillPosts
@ericONEderful
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
You Might Also Like
@ericONEderful
@theDanLawler
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
@RandomRamblr
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
@underchilde
I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@aka_fatman
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
@bornmiserable
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
@cravin4
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
@RidiculousSheri
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
@thepunningman
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
@BassoonJokes
The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.