[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”