I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.