Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You Might Also Like
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
nobody’s gonna understand
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Plumber: I think I found the problem