It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn