Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.