Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it