There is no “we” in pizza
You Might Also Like
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Note to self: always read the final line
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.