instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.