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@thatdutchperson

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

@daplusk

Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells ‘who arted’ and i feel i failed as i should’ve thought of that joke

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

@kumailn

“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18

@ermahgarton

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@benicus_rex

Why is millennial humor so weird, why can’t they do normal humor like about a coyote trying to use a rocket launcher to kill a bird