Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Self-cleaning conscience
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.