Spotted in New Orleans.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)