didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal