DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This kid will have a bright future.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The symmetry is uncanny.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.