Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
This 4th of July, please remember…
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma