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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Great game to play with friends
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side