INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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[Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me, as that guy from the Martian…
Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days
Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate