professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You Might Also Like
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If a snake ate a cake
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship