Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.