Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Plant care tips
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?