I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.