Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.