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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?