My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over