Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
You Might Also Like
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
uh oh
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Meme Monday.