Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
At least he brought enough for everyone