This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Goodnight 🐶
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.