How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi