My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Oh yeah that’s it
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball