Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.