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Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.


“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now


writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:””;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349217384227287041″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”159″;s:5:”tweet”;s:88:”I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.


I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.


Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.


Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline