Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
No way!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now