[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
No. YOU-buprofen.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage