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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.


Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


My boyfriend insists he told me something a few days ago and I know he didn’t.

*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*

*For the love of God- don’t say it*

Must have been your other girlfriend


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.


My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.