Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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23. the denim jacket
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
seems like a niche market
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Meowchelangelo
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.