What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
But I really needed water water water
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”