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*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*


me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass


My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….


me: goodnight moon πŸ™‚

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars πŸ™‚

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard πŸ™‚

security guard: how the hell did you get in here


Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose


*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long


Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.