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@JoParkerBear

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@BrakSucks

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”

@onion_an

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

@jazz_inmypants

whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.