*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.