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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”


Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-



Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.


My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”


Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.


I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.



– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry


Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.


I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.


I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?