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@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@Mom_Overboard

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

@stevevsninjas

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

@perolikewyd

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

@_davidlucas_

Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.

@existentialcoms

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

@Staggfilms

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?