[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox