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@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@davidkenny100

Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Later…
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.