*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur
*has to pee*
*gets up to pee*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.