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actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”


Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.


good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee


According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.


in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off


ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap


“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.