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@Kate_Hart

actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

@kelkulus

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

@Perfect_Beanis

in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off

@hippieswordfish

ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap

@UnFitz

“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.