[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
And now we wait
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it