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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*


I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.


3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.



3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!


Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur


*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*



I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”


Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.


Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will


I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.