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*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.


If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.


911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.


I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.


If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.


i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?


“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]