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@duplicitron

*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

@kentgrossarth

I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@danadonly

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED