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[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.


Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.


SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife


*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room


You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.


People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing


Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin


you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice


If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.


“Flatulence is not an emotion.”

-me explaining feelings to boyfriend