this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one